Our first episode of “in the hearts of men”

This is the first episode of Robbie J. Bone and Kirby Freeman’s Podcast: In the hearts of men.

In today’s episode, we discuss the Equanimous Man – Our weekly men’s circle. We share our intention and reason behind creating this group.

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>>> To listen on Spotify, Click here <<<

>>> To sign up for the Equanimous Man men’s circle, or to learn more, click here <<<

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Podcast Transcript Below:

[00:01] Hello everyone and welcome. Today I’m joined by my good friend Kirby Freeman. My name’s Robbie J. Bone and our intention today is to share about our experiences in men’s work to share the impact that has had on us and to also share more deeply about a container that we’ve been building with one another and
[00:23] offering for men to have support, healing, and yeah, just like a beautiful place to be together as men. And this container is called the aquinous man. So, thank you for being here with us, bringing your heart, your presence, your awareness here, and inviting you to open your heart to receive whatever jewels
[00:47] and gems you may be able to receive from this podcast and these words. And Kirby, really good to have you. >> Yeah, thank you, Robbie. It’s really good to be here. Yeah, thank you for opening this space and creating the this intention moving forward. >> Mhm.
[01:05] >> Mhm. Yeah, it’s been really blessed and enjoyable to build friendship and co-creation with you and to bring these things into the world together. >> And to begin, I wanted to invite you to share from your heart about your experience with men’s work and what’s alive for you in that.
[01:29] >> Yeah, thank you Robbie. Men’s work is dear to my heart. It really um it has allowed for me to get to know myself in a deeper way. I first entered uh men’s work. I was in crisis in my relationship and it was really I was in a really challenging
[01:51] place and I have deep gratitude for the woman uh who steered me in the direction and she she said to me, you know, I feel this could really help you and our relationship and I said yes. and started to work there. And through reflections and through um community and support, I found the ability to navigate challenge
[02:15] in my relationship and transmute that into the patterns that were showing up, transmute those patterns into um a deeper sense of peace and ability to navigate conflict in my life. Cuz conflict was something that I really struggled with. I avoided and I didn’t want to I didn’t want to say the
[02:36] hard things. I didn’t want to um be in the storm and I avoided it which magnified it moving forward. Right? So it really has allowed for me to self-actualize and become the man that I want to be. And I I ca I went from the place of um receiving a lot in men’s work to um
[03:01] building to a place of leadership. And I feel like that’s a huge part of men’s work is cultivating the leader within. >> Yeah. >> How about you, Robbie? >> Yeah. Thank you for sharing and yeah for for the way that you’ve shown up in my life
[03:24] >> as not just a friend also a leader >> and it’s been really yeah I’ve learned a lot from you >> and one of the things I appreciate about learning from you is your consistent vulnerability and openness even when you’re facilitating of really being in in the circle with us and
[03:46] yeah, like getting into the mud with us, getting into the the dirt with us. and through your vulnerability and allowing us to see you in your in your strengths and also in the places that you’re still growing. I’ve learned a lot and it’s really inspiring >> and it’s actually helped me in my life
[04:06] to deepen in my own sense of vulnerability and ability to share that and be intimate in my in the containers that I lead and also in the containers of my different relationships >> with men and women. >> And that was one of the deep things that I struggled with and what really called
[04:25] me to men’s work. When I was called to men’s work, I wasn’t fully clear on the why. It was just annoying in my heart >> and something that had been kind of nagging at me for a while. However, I resisted it because I had seen kind of the social media men’s work and it was a lot of like kind of this like you know
[04:45] men like fighting or like yelling and screaming and and knowing that that has value and also not feeling like that resonated for me cuz I’ve always resonated with a more sensitive nature >> and I’ve never really connected with that aspect of masculinity as an authentic expression of my masculine
[05:03] self and I see that it has value for others and it may have value for me at some point in my path. However, at these stages and when I joined men’s work, it was like there was a bit of an aversion to that >> and yet I knew that I needed to have a group of men. And so your group has
[05:20] really resonated with me for that reason because it’s really built on sharpening our swords. However, also showing up in intimacy, in vulnerability, in love, in presence, in loving one another and holding one another and finding the balance of not being hyper masculine, but actually being really balanced in
[05:38] the masculine and the feminine within oursel as men. And so what what drew me to men’s work was also relationship and struggle and yeah really not knowing how to deepen in intimacy with my partner and feeling a deep lack there and separation and that separation leading to us almost separating
[06:02] >> and at the time I was also in a very unhealthy codependent relationship with pornography >> and we were talking before I was like before this podcast I was like this feels like an edge to share about and Kirby was like yeah that’s that’s the perfect thing to share about cuz I know
[06:19] that a lot of men pretty much every man has had some relationship with pornography and it’s often been not the healthiest >> and for me it was very toxic and it was causing harm to myself and my relationship because it was a way to get my needs met without doing the work
[06:39] >> because True intimacy starts with us opening oursel in our hearts. And that’s something that I’ve really found in building that with you and other men has created a strong foundation of intimacy with myself first and then with others and with women >> and with men and with everyone,
[07:02] >> right? >> Yeah. Mh. >> And yeah, the men’s group and men’s work and support with other men has really helped me to break out of >> those cycles of judgment, guilt, and shame that I was stuck in >> that were related to the use of porn,
[07:16] but also related to the lack of intimacy and vulnerability >> because I was afraid and and I felt ashamed and about certain emotions and processes and aspects of myself that I felt I needed to hide and withhold out of the fear of being rejected, abandoned, or judge.
[07:34] >> Mhm. >> And in that I was actually rejecting, abandoning, and judging myself. >> Mhm. >> And what I found and what we’ve been talking a lot about this week actually has been that when I do share in that vulnerability,
[07:45] it actually tends to have the opposite effect. Nine times out of 10, the person you think, oh, this person’s going to reject me or judge me. And when we can share it from a place of especially a place of empowerment and owning it and responsibility, it’s often meant met with a deeper sense of trust and safety
[08:02] within the relationship and intimacy. M >> so yeah, a lot of gratitude for that and I feel like it’s been a missing piece in my life and it’s really like the men’s work and being around a group of men that are loving and caring and good to each other >> and it’s really filled in some blanks
[08:23] for me >> and it’s also helped me break out of isolation >> and break out of being overly dependent on my partner for my source of intimacy and human connection >> and Building genuine heartfelt friendships has been something that I’ve
[08:38] been missing and it’s something that has brought so much joy and beauty. So, I’m really grateful for that. Breaking out of the lone wolf >> syndrome or identity and and coming back to a group in a way that’s sovereign and just beautiful and then seeing how I can impact others, too. M
[08:59] >> and yeah before we dive into the men’s work that we’re bringing forth I’d love to just invite any other inspirations you have of around men’s work around your process >> there’s anything that feels alive >> a part came up for me Robbie with the articulation in your share and thank you
[09:20] so much for your share and your vulnerability in discussing pornography and how it’s shown up in your life I relate I’ve had an unhealthy relation relationship with pornography and I’ve transmuted that um for quite some time now into a different path in a different way and yeah I coming through for me was
[09:41] the withhold versus revealing um construct and how when we do sit in the challenge of the difficult conversation with others it you said n out of 10 I would argue to say 10 out of 10 you know like every time as long as you you know, I I adhere to um ensuring that the receiver has space to receive uh before
[10:05] going into the reveal. It deepens intimacy and speaking to the um desire for me to reveal something to deepen intimacy doubles that you know. So it’s really beautiful and pure how that is created and just the simple knowing in our life that we are not alone
[10:27] >> and we have a band of brothers that have our best interests in their heart. Not necessarily what they want to see for us but what is best for us. They care about us in that way. And I feel through getting to know myself, I’ve started to care more for others. And I feel that’s because I care more about myself and,
[10:50] you know, loving myself and finding >> the ways that I want to show up in the world and and ways that I don’t even know, like, you know, before really delving into this work, I didn’t know that I like dancing. Now I go to ecstatic dance often and it’s such a joyous thing to share with men and women
[11:10] and and so there’s a a curiosity and creativity that is inspired organically through men’s work as well which I find really profound with the expansion of the consciousness of the people that are there. >> Yeah. It’s uh I feel I would be really lost without men’s work in my life and
[11:30] it’s going to be there for as long as I’m here. M >> thank you >> yeah thank you those those are really like potent points that I resonate with as well >> and what I’ve learned is as well is that so many of the conditionings of what it
[11:52] means to be a man are just >> false >> and when we sit in circle authentically with the presence of love and spirit and the creator and a group of Then we realized that we all really want the same thing which is an ability like a sense of love and joy and purpose
[12:12] and connection and intimacy both sexually and also emotionally and then we also suffer from basically all the same things >> like you you bring like I’ve had many men’s circles where there’s a theme and we’re all suffering literally in the same moment with the same problem
[12:29] >> and that sense of togetherness is so healing cuz we take our suffering very personally. >> And when we realize like, oh, like a lot of this my suffering is actually so much in the collective male consciousness and just in what it means to be a man or or a woman or just a human is really
[12:47] relieving. >> Mhm. >> It takes a weight off. >> Mhm. >> And it allows us to let it go. >> Mhm. >> And I found that to be wonderfully healing.
[12:58] and the invitation to open our hearts as men and embrace the love that we have within oursel. >> Mhm. >> It’s also amazing. >> Yeah. >> Feels so good. >> Yeah. There’s one other point that I
[13:12] want to share like I I feel the importance of opening our hearts and I really um I resonate deeply with that. But paired with that is a strong spine, >> right? So, it’s like that’s the that’s the balance that the king uh embodies is an open, soft, gentle, compassionate heart and a strong spine.
[13:35] >> Yes. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. Thank you for speaking to that cuz one of the practices that we’ve had in our circle has been to call each other in. We say not out but in. And to challenge each other >> and to bring like to ask for support.
[13:51] Say, “Hey, I need support.” I’ve done it in the circle many times. And then to be ready to receive the hard truths that you don’t want to hear. And I’ve offered that to others and I’ve received it. And it feels edgy and also really good to offer it. And receiving it is kind of like it feels good and it doesn’t feel
[14:09] good. M >> you know it’s like ooh that I feel that truth and that early touches on a sensitive place and yet I really needed to hear that >> and I always end up growing through that >> and and receiving a lot. So yeah, thank you for speaking to that.
[14:25] >> Yeah, you’re welcome. That’s been really wonderful to also be now taking everything we’ve been learning both individually and together into this offering the aquaminous man >> and we’ve been building some strong intentions around that and shared values and I would love to hear your intentions
[14:47] for the Aquinus man and what your intentions are for the men that are going to be joining. >> Yeah. Thank you. Yeah, my intentions for all of you men that are going to be uh embarking on this journey with us um primarily it is to align with
[15:10] your future higher self. So finding out and seeing where you want to be in the future and taking steps in that direction through accountability, through deep support, through hard truth. Um, yeah, taking the taking the steps, you know, climbing the ladder slowly and
[15:37] sustainably. I feel sustainability is huge and my intention for myself in it is to serve the best way that I can to reflect to call in to just really be in my authentic self in truth and also to be held you know uh a good a beautiful point that you brought earlier Robbie was how I’m a part of the group I’m not
[16:03] just leading the groups and I feel like that’s so important to create um a deeper sense of cohesion, especially online, you know, being in it in the trenches and willing to do all um all of the work from the base to the top. >> Yeah. And yeah, I feel complete with that,
[16:27] brother. >> Yeah. >> Thank you. Yeah, I share in those intentions as well. And yeah, I’ll share my intentions too, which is one of the intentions we’ve talked about is and really been in the
[16:43] study of is how to create a strong intimate container online on Zoom that invites men and women in other contexts. In this case, it’s men into a container that feels real, that feels like, yeah, I’m at home on the computer, but I’m also very much in this real circle. and connection. And that’s something that’s
[17:05] an intention that I’m bringing into this >> because I know some people and men have aversions to the online space and Zoom. And it’s such a beautiful opportunity to reach many men and to make it accessible, you know, and maybe you join for a bit and then make your own men’s circle
[17:26] locally, you know, and start something wherever you live in the world. And that’s also something that’s an intention is to invite men into leadership of their life. >> And then in their communities, their families, however that looks, because we’re all going to lead in a different
[17:40] way. And not all of us are meant to be like a facilitator. >> Just leading your family is a huge amazing endeavor. Leading your your work environment, >> leading your relationship, >> being able to to be a lead in your connection with your partner, it’s a
[17:57] really beautiful gift to the feminine. And a lot of feminine crave that and want that. And first we have to build a deep sense of safety within oursel and create trust within ourselves so that others can feel safe and trust trusting >> in our presence. And that’s what allows from my experience the feminine within
[18:16] us to soften and also the feminine in our life to soften >> and something I mean we all know the beauty of a of a woman softening. >> Mhm. >> And and the power of that. And it’s a sacred gift that yeah, we want to respect it
[18:35] >> with our presence. And so those are some of my intentions. And the intention that’s kind of overarching within the name as well is the aquaminous man, equinimity, which for me is really finding, like you said, our higher self, our true self, and learning to navigate life and
[18:55] relations from a very centered place. Mhm. >> It doesn’t mean we’re not going to feel all the feelings. It just means we’re not going to be caught in reaction and reactivity. >> Mhm. >> And what I found in that equinimity is
[19:08] that when life’s challenges and storms are around me, I can be a more competent leader and take action that’s grounded in truth and integrity >> rather than fear or reactivity. Mhm. >> And even in the dance with the feminine, to be able to hold equinimity is what so many women want from a man, too. Like a
[19:29] woman often just wants to be held. >> She doesn’t want your advice. She doesn’t want to be fixed. >> She just wants you to hold her and not get caught in her story either, >> not start taking it on. >> Mhm. >> It’s very attractive. And then once
[19:42] she’s held in it, then >> you know, she may be open to some support on a deeper level. Maybe not. Sometimes that’s all that’s needed. Mhm. >> So yeah, that’s something that’s really alive for me >> in this container. >> Yeah.
[19:55] >> And to offer like a container to practice it, tools, practices, insights, transmissions. >> Mhm. >> To inspire that in me. >> Mhm. >> Those are beautiful intentions and I resonate deeply with them.
[20:11] >> Yeah. I want to touch on one other part here that ca that’s coming through for me and cultivating the leader is really important but also cultivating the ability to receive >> right so not just outward but also inward to receive the tools and uh um
[20:30] the nervous system regulation tips and tricks and and things that work well in my life and your life um to receive those and to feel that and sit in that and not have to do anything with it. I believe that’s the other side of equinimity is like finding balance and peace in in
[20:51] pleasurable states and also really challenging states like I can be peaceful and I can be balanced and sustainable in it and I feel like receiving is is a big part of that as well. >> Yeah. Thank you. That’s a beautiful intention.
[21:10] Yeah. I was just speaking to this last night actually >> and we were talking about how often as leaders, people who are called to service or just as men that we give and give and the importance of receiving >> or we’ll get depleted or resentful or bitter or have all these expectations,
[21:32] >> frustrated, angry. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. And so yeah, that feels complete for me. >> Nice. There’s one other intention that is coming through for me >> to share. Thank you. And that is to
[21:50] authentically express >> calling forward authentic expression of all emotions because I I have the stance that all emotions can be expressed in a healthy way. Be it anger, sadness, love, joy, pleasure, whatever is coming through in the moment, >> feelings, you know, they can be
[22:11] expressed in really ways that allow for the energy to move. So many people um push anger and frustration away until they’re forced out. And 99 out of 100 times they come out in ways that are hurtful to our partners and our loved ones. The ones that we love the deepest, >> we lash out at. So in this work, it’s
[22:35] important to learn ourselves how can we express anger in a healthy way that is not going to hurt the people that we love the most. >> Right? So I feel like it’s a really important part as well as healthy expression of what is happening in our ecology.
[22:54] >> Yes. More authenticity. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. such a core value that I really appreciate that you hold in your heart >> and yeah, it’s inspired me and so many others to practice it as well. >> Yeah.
[23:09] >> Yeah. >> Thank you. >> And to practice the integrity that calls in authenticity, too. >> Mhm. >> You know, integrity is such a cornerstone of I feel like of manhood. >> A man that can hold integrity in his
[23:23] life, >> of humanness. >> Yeah. Right. >> Yeah. It it it really keeps us in truth and in love. >> And something I’ve been reflecting a lot on with integrity is
[23:38] >> it’s not always getting it perfect. It’s it’s how we handle making a mistake or slipping out of integrity and how we make that and turn that into a blessing and a lesson. >> The cleanup is what I call it. >> Yeah. Right. >> Bring it into right relation.
[23:51] >> 100%. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. And so, yeah, thank you for sharing from your heart. >> Thank you for being present here and for everything you’ve done to lead up to
[24:06] this moment. And yeah, it feels really, really good. And yeah, so this is the essence of the Aquinus man. What we live in our lives is what we want to share, >> right? the way we show up, the
[24:25] resonance, who we are is what we want to share. And so that’s part of why we wanted to make this is so you could be on the words or the thoughts to get a feeling, an experience, a transmission of of what this could be for you. Not that you can become like us as in our authentic self, but that you can use the
[24:42] same principles which are universal to become your authentic self. Right. >> Yeah. And so the benefit of that is tremendous. >> And yeah, I guess that would be the last
[24:59] question is what are from all these things you’ve talked about, what have been the biggest benefits for you? [Music] >> It’s changed my life, you know. Um, the biggest benefit is getting to know myself and
[25:20] being able to show up in the world in a real way. >> Not caring what other people feel and or think about me. being able to have hard conversations in particular in my relationship and knowing that I’m okay
[25:39] >> to do so and it deepens the intimacy and the connection that I have with my partner every time. >> Yeah. How about you? >> Beautiful. >> Yeah. For me, the greatest benefit has been really bringing the boy and teenager
[25:58] within myself into deeper alignment with the man that I know >> that I am >> that I am, the man that I am, the man that I continue to grow into and mature into. And it has called me forth into deeper integrity and truth in my life which has helped me to build a deep
[26:15] sense of self- loveve and selfrespect for myself and to cultivate that in my relationships. It’s helped me to have the hard conversations like what you said and to overall build a deeper sense of confidence and meaning in my life >> which
[26:36] the benefits of that are fulfillment and joy and love really. So >> purpose is another one for me and I’m connecting with your share >> in it and you know my my purpose came through men’s work you know
[26:56] >> so cultivating what I want to do with my days and my life and being on purpose and being connected with something greater than than me greater than this experience has been really profound through men’s work. M >> Yeah. Thank you.
[27:17] Yeah. I feel that in myself too. >> And so our group is beginning soon. It’s beginning October 13th on Monday. And we’re going to be meeting every week and building this container together. And we’re also going to be building this into the foreseeable future. So no
[27:45] matter when you’re listening to this, the groups will continue to grow because we keep it at a maximum of 10 people so that we can build that intimacy. So everyone has a chance to share and receive and give and then once we reach that maximum, we just start another group. So there will be whenever you’re
[28:05] listening to this, you know, it’s always available. And the way that we’re inviting people in is to have a conversation with us so that we can have a real connection and so that you can know us and we can know you and we can understand we can both understand if it’s the best
[28:22] fit. >> Mhm. >> And so we’re doing that through phone calls or Zoom calls to be able to connect. And so if that calls to you, if you’re curious, if you want to learn more, reach out to us. We’ll leave some information down below. message us, sign
[28:37] up, and we look forward to speaking with you and seeing you soon. >> Yeah, thank you. Thank you, Robbie. I’m really enthusiastic and looking forward to how this unfolds. >> Look forward to seeing you soon. >> Wonderful. >> Thank you.
[28:58] >> Thank you.