Our fourth episode of “in the hearts of men” podcast

This is the fourth episode of Robbie J. Bone and Kirby Freeman’s Podcast: In the hearts of men.

In today’s episode, we discuss How Appreciation Builds Deep & Lasting Connection In relationships.

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[00:00] Welcome everyone to another episode of In the Hearts of Men podcast. And today we’re talking about appreciation and healthy validation within relationships, and how to offer that to those in our life, both partners and people in general, as well as how to
[00:21] invite that in, how to receive it in a good way. And so this conversation started for us because we were having our Monday meeting, me and Kirby, and Kirby was sharing some ways that when he feels underappreciated in his relationship, how that affects him in his capacity to
[00:40] show up with love is was my understanding of what you were sharing. And yeah, I’d be curious if you’d be willing to share more of that experience and how you then call forth appreciation into your life more when you’re feeling underappreciated or unseen, especially by your
[00:58] >> intimate the intimate people in your lives. >> Yeah, thank you. Uh appreciation and validation are parts of me that I have had I don’t know a challenging relationship with. I think firstly what I’d like to start by speaking to is the validation
[01:19] and how I used to seek it in my past >> and that gives a broader example of >> um >> yeah maybe connecting to that place I think would be wise first. So yeah, when I was um younger and in my early 20s, I was very um leaky with my energy as I’ve
[01:41] mentioned and I didn’t really know I was doing it at the time, but I was seeking validation through leaking my energy. I wanted to flirt with the the girls to uh receive their um sense of attraction, felt sense of attraction so that I would feel like I have a higher sense of
[02:01] value, right? And this was even when I was in relationship and it was just really unhealthy for me to do it. But it felt good to receive validation and I didn’t know that that’s what I was doing at the time as I mentioned. So, and there are many other areas, but that’s a pretty consistent one that has
[02:19] been there for quite some time, leaking energy in that way. And yeah, it really um it it created distance and disconnection in my relationship and showing up in that way. And in embarking in in introspective work, it’s allowed for me to see what I was doing and to patch up those holes that were leaking.
[02:41] And really importantly understanding the role that appreciation and uh validation has to do with my body and actually feeling good in my life. And so in relationships there’s a lot of give and take and in my romantic dynamic there’s a lot of give and take as well. And there’s sacrifices to be in it. And
[03:05] there’s so there’s such a complex um pallet of offerings and and takings that that each person brings and creates. And yeah, so specifically if I feel like I am showing up and doing um my share or a little bit more of my share in the relationship because it is give and take. uh and
[03:33] appreciation is not given to me. It creates in my body, I feel it closing down and the desire to not necessarily continue doing that. Um so the reciprocity that I feel that I need in it is um validation and appreciation. So, you know, we had a my partner and I had a
[03:57] circumstance over the weekend that created that sense in me and unfortunately we were unable to clear it right away because we were in different um different cities. So, uh I feel like these conversations it’s really important to have the physical element of of proximity to navigate it in a
[04:20] really good way. And that created a deeper sense of heaviness and reflection on what was there and the charge that was there and my inability at the time to to clear it. So simple appreciation is all that I really needed. But it created a realm of um challenge for me to sit in and to work through. And yeah,
[04:42] I feel like it’s it’s certainly clearing now, but that’s been really alive in my field recently. And that’s how appreciation can negatively impact me. >> And on the flip side, when I do feel a deep sense of appreciation in my relationship, in my with my children, it it feeds me. It gives me energy to u be
[05:05] able to do more, you know? It really like I feel the energy of appreciation fill me and allow for me to be able to hold more space. >> Yeah. both both physically and and mentally. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. Thank you for sharing. And
[05:23] is there ways that you found that are helpful if you’re feeling underappreciated? Like how do you communicate that in a way that’s not too needy, you know, in a way that’s healthy and and like empowering as a man >> and inviting and attractive, especially
[05:39] for your partner? Because it’s like the energy of, “Oh, I need more validation from you.” It can be that kind of more childlike part or that little boy >> that is welcome. However, can also be actually unattractive in a dynamic. Whereas, I feel like there’s a way to ask for that from a more core
[06:00] >> masculine adult self. >> That’s just speaking our need. >> Yeah. >> I’m curious if you have any. >> Yeah, absolutely. I do. And and it’s quite simple. It’s speaking it, but it’s speaking it acknowledging the little boy. It’s like there is a part of me
[06:15] that is not feeling appreciated right now. Are you open to giving me um some appreciation? Right? I think before I even go there though, what I do is I ask if they have space to to receive something >> and and I state that I have a need. >> Are you open to hearing it?
[06:35] >> And from that place, I’ll state it. Mhm. >> And then I’ll check in if they are able to offer it to me. More often than not, it is a yes. And and it feels really quite good. Even though >> I’ve asked for it, I had this misconception for a lot of time. It’s like if I had to ask for what I needed
[06:52] and and it wasn’t known by my partner, by my parents, by my children. >> Um then the impact would be way less like >> but people just they don’t know what you need, you know? So the only person that can know what the need is is the person that is in need.
[07:09] >> And speaking that need is more important than being sexy. >> It’s like this is what I need. And and also, you know, >> it can be quite polarizing and attractive for a man to know what he needs, >> right? I feel like there’s there’s
[07:25] certainly polarity there. >> Yeah. It’s very clear >> and it’s not, you know, there’s no hidden hidden bits. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. uh what I’m hearing and what resonates for me as well is the clarity speaking from the clarity of what’s
[07:40] needed >> rather than trying to insinuate it or imply it or >> act in a way to get it. >> That’s the wounding. When we act in a way to manipulate the circumstance to get what we need, >> that’s our wounding acting. Mhm.
[07:55] >> But we want to really look at it and distill it so that we speak our need and check in if it’s, you know, if it’s able to be met. >> And if it’s not able to be met by our partner, we can meet it for ourselves. >> And I I do that often. M >> and if it’s something that I am wanting
[08:15] my partner or somebody close to me to say to me, >> what I do and it’s actually quite powerful is I sit in it and I envision that person sitting right beside me and giving me what my need is. I go deep into that vision and I really feel it in my body and the impact is quite large.
[08:33] >> Yeah, it’s it’s wild. >> Beautiful. >> I love that. What a It’s a beautiful simple practice. Yeah, >> I’ve done that as well in hindsight. >> So, if I have a dialogue with anyone or I’m in a circumstance, like we all have those moments where maybe we look back
[08:49] and it’s like, “Oh, wow. I could have handled that conversation or conflict or that situation in this way. I I wish I would have done it like that.” Mhm. >> And to just go back and imagine it, visualize it, and see myself speaking and acting in the way that feels more aligned with my authentic self is a way
[09:07] to also like reprogram my narrative and self-image. >> So, I’m hearing that in in kind of a reverse of like preparatory nature to to make it more solid in in yourself so you can >> prepare for it. And yeah, one of the things that I heard you talk about
[09:24] earlier on was around seeking validation in relationship from particularly others outside of the relationship through sexual energy or flirtation and having leaky energy in those ways and how you got a sense of value from that. And the value piece is so huge because one of the the core teachings that I walk
[09:51] with is respect and it’s a teaching that has guided me in my life especially when I’m disrespectful and I feel the sting of that >> and then the respect is my magnet to bring me back into right relation. >> So it’s one of the core principles that I do my best to live in my life
[10:10] >> and that I teach to others. And so one of the things I’ve learned about respect is there’s this direct relationship between respect, appreciation, and value. Because if we disrespect something, we don’t really value it. It’s like if you have some little pen like a just a simple little
[10:29] pen that has no value. It’s 50 cents. You don’t care if you lose it. It’s it’s easy to misplace it. But if you have a very beautiful $500 pen that’s like this amazing unique pen that you got gifted from your dad for graduating university or something like you’re going to respect that. You’re going to appreciate
[10:47] it. You’re going to value it more because you see it as having greater value. >> Whereas if that 50 cent pen somehow was like your father’s last pen before he died and you like you know somehow it was some sentimental story connected to it even though it has very little to no
[11:04] physical value. it has this immense sentimental value >> and so when we value that which we value we tend to respect and cherish and care for >> and vice versa if we don’t value it including ourselves >> then we tend to disrespect and
[11:20] underappreciate and so I really have loved that teaching because everything in the world has value everyone in the world has value and it’s just whether we choose to focus on that or if we cho focus on how that person’s not enough or >> what what is triggering you know so so
[11:38] much in conscious relationships it becomes so much about the deeper work >> that then it becomes so focused on the negative because a lot of the deeper work is the shadow work >> and then we just get hyperfixated on what’s not working >> which then creates more of it
[11:53] >> and I feel like it’s good to do that >> because it’s how we grow and and one of the beauty beautiful things about a wonderful partner is they call us into higher higher integrity and uh alchemy of the shadow. However, I feel like it’s equally as important to share our inner world of appreciation.
[12:12] >> And that’s something that I’ve really realized for a long time. I thought like I kind of had this polarizing subconscious belief that’s like, oh, we don’t need validation, you know, like we can just self-source it. It’s like >> validation seeking is unhealthy. And you know, there was these subconscious
[12:28] judgments about it. And now I’ve realized actually it’s a human emotional need to be validated in a way that’s healthy. >> And yes, we can validate ourselves. It’s good to know how to validate ourselves. It’s good to know how to love and appreciate ourselves. And there’s
[12:43] something special and unique and wonderful about being deeply seen and cherished and appreciated and valued by another human being, >> anyone, >> a friend, a family member, >> a lover, even someone at work, >> you know, just that sense of healthy
[13:02] appreciation. Not because we’re saying it to get something because there can be that. Oh, I’ll validate this person so I warm them up to then this thing I want to get manipulation. >> Yeah. Exactly. >> Just authentic like I appreciate this about you.
[13:16] >> Yeah. >> You know, >> and what we appreciate we create more of. >> It’s like one of the laws of the universe is what we focus on we create more of. I want to tug on that thread a little bit more because something
[13:30] inspired me when you spoke to the shadow work and focusing on that in relationship often. And I’m curious if you’re open to sharing practices or a practice perhaps that that you like or that you um use in your world to create the opposite of shadow work in relationship.
[13:50] >> Yeah. Thank you. The opposite of shadow work for me is light work. Yeah. >> And light work is really the best way to approach shadow work as well. >> And light work, I feel like there’s kind of this newagy energy around like a
[14:08] light worker or something which is not here nor there. For me, it’s simply light work is embodying love >> and bringing love >> into our life and whatever we’re approaching. And so that’s why the best way to do shadow work is from the light, you know, and and to bring light work
[14:26] into our shadow work is like what happens to a shadow when we bring the light? It’s not there anymore. >> So a lot of our shadow selves really just need the light of the soul to be liberated. Mhm. >> And so in relationship in a tangible
[14:42] sense, light work for me is around having practices that bring me into deeper connection with joy, love, peace, pleasure with anyone like with you like we have this beautiful deep connection and then we also laugh a lot. So for me, like we keep this buoyancy and then we also talk about deep things together
[15:03] that are hard that we’re struggling with, edges we might have with each other as we come up against the edges of one another and learn how to build a deeper sense of intimacy and vulnerability. It’s like that’s kind of the shadow work. It’s not always comfortable to talk about. However, we
[15:18] also have this levity that we bring. >> And so I feel like bringing that to all relationships is really the heart, >> bringing our heart. Mhm. >> And so practices are really what connects you to that. So for some people that’s for example dancing >> like just dancing for 20 minutes or
[15:36] going to a dance like an ecstatic dance or five rhythms or something. >> Uh for me I can really access that point through >> deep meditation and presence within my own heart. >> And I find that if I do that with certain people
[15:50] >> it then connects us into our heart. So like we’ve meditated together briefly for you know times here and there and often when we come out of it there’s this sense of lightness >> and then that transcends into whatever we’re then talking about next. Mhm. >> Um,
[16:07] another that I found very helpful is Yeah. just like sharing appreciation like kind of going back there, right? Like just shining the light of >> one’s sight and awareness >> onto another, >> you know, and commenting what we appreciate about that person
[16:26] >> without being like you we could do it as like a conscious practice like a diad. We could also just do it spontaneously. So that’s what comes up in this moment as like a spontaneous inspiration. >> Good. Cool. >> Thank you. >> Yeah, laughter.
[16:43] >> Laughter is for me that’s like the essence of light work is joy and laughter. >> Yeah, >> it’s really that. And >> yeah, do you have anything to add to that that you find helpful? >> I really like firstly appreciate how you
[16:59] articulated that as beautiful. Um yeah, you know, in my realm, what I really like to do specifically in partnership that I get a lot of uh light out of and a lot of like um I agree firstly that the opposite of shadow work is you know working in the light. Um, I don’t like to say light work because it
[17:20] it, you know, has uh energy behind it, but working in the light, working with my highest self, my highest timeline. >> And the first practice that I really I I use as a cornerstone is a gratitude practice. And I really love doing this with my partner before we go to bed and
[17:41] first thing when we wake up, taking a couple minutes and just saying all of the things that we are grateful for. >> And this works really well for me because I feel it it rewires my subconscious mind going into dream state and also first thing in the morning it starts my day in a really beautiful way.
[18:00] >> Allows for me to to to see the day through a deep lens of gratitude which um makes my day just a little bit better. So that’s that’s one. And another one that I really >> um get a lot out of is breath work is breathing consciously, taking deep breaths. Many different modalities that
[18:19] I have studied and that I um that I practice, but a connected breath is likely it’s one of my favorites is just having a period of time for me to just lay down and have a connected breath. So no pausing at the top or the bottom for a period of time. M >> yeah really brings a lot of joy and
[18:39] peace >> and yeah that levity that you’re referring to like tingles all over my body and just it feels really aligned for um for me to approach the rest of my day. >> Yeah. I’ll add one tangible practice through meditation that I found really
[18:56] helpful is like not just the meditation of like oh I’m just going to sit here and meditate. It’s actually a specific form of meditation that I feel is valuable to share about which is >> to meditate upon the center of one’s chest which is the the heart chakra the sacred heart
[19:12] >> and to imagine what I find helpful is to imagine a golden light or like the star of one’s soul in in the heart which has a natural radiance and warmth >> and then to smile >> physically smile >> and to imagine someone that I love and cherish deeply
[19:31] or that I’m grateful for. So, it could be anyone. And to allow the experience of joy and love to fill my heart. >> And the more you practice that, it’s like a muscle that then it becomes easier and easier to drop into a state of joy >> and inner cultivation of joy.
[19:49] >> And it’s a practice that I’ve been doing on and off for many years now. And it’s brought such a rich source of love into my life that depends on no one. M >> and then I can bring it to people and it is a gift to give to people. >> There’s just the joy and love that is innate to our heart that just seems to
[20:09] be kind of polished and awakened, >> you know, and doing that then if you do have a friend or a partner or someone you cherish >> who can go there with you, >> the heart resonance enhances greatly like when you do that practice with someone else that can meet you in joy
[20:24] >> because not everyone has that connection. It’s a cultivation to connect to the heart. Mhm. >> So when someone can, it’s like, whoa. And it it gets amplified 10 times. It’s pretty amazing. >> So yeah, I would add that. >> And yeah, I feel like
[20:40] closing this call, we’re coming to the end of our time >> and before we do, I just want to share the value of appreciation in helping people feel loved. >> Because we can love someone, it doesn’t mean they feel it. You could have
[20:58] overflowing love and cherish and just absolutely appreciate someone in your life, but that doesn’t mean they have any idea you feel that way. >> And that’s that’s something that I had to realize where >> I didn’t real like I didn’t always express these things.
[21:13] >> And I’ve realized in receiving validation and appreciation and then in giving it, I’m like, “Oh, wow.” Like that’s an important thing to communicate. Just like we’ve talked about the need to reveal our shadows, to reveal what we’re struggling with and our charges.
[21:30] >> It’s really important to reveal those things, not withhold them. >> And it’s equally as important to reveal the love that and joy and beauty that someone brings into our life. >> And that’s like such a beautiful practice that I’ve really enjoyed this year. It’s been it’s been really
[21:48] wonderful. And it’s come through my work with men >> actually. >> Yeah. >> You know, with you and with the men in our circle >> and some other friends and elders where I’m like, yeah, being deeply seen and
[22:02] appreciated by these men. It’s just allowed me to appreciate myself >> in a deeper way. >> And then it’s like I want to give that gift to other people. Feels really good. >> So yeah, those are my closing words. curious if you have any
[22:19] anything you want to close with here. >> Yeah, I have some appreciation that I would like to express as well and >> yeah, it’s appreciation for like for for trusting that everything will work out >> and that everything is working out exactly how it needs to in my life.
[22:45] hardship and bliss all the same. You know, the quicker that I can get to a lens of appreciation when challenge shows up in my life, the seemingly sooner it dissolves and allows for me to um find a state of peace in it. >> So, I appreciate challenge and I
[23:07] appreciate bliss and I appreciate you. >> Thank you, brother. Yeah, >> I appreciate you as well. >> I appreciate Yeah. being able to share in this journey as friends and brothers, people in community and also to offer these
[23:24] gifts to the world. >> Yeah. >> And yeah, appreciation for whoever out there in the cyber verse is taking the time to listen to this. It’s uh wonderful to be able to share with you and to be received by you >> and yeah, appreciation for this new
[23:40] offering we’re birthing >> the aquinomous man. It’s been birthed. I believe you birthed it, right? >> It was a pretty intense experience. >> No, I’m just kidding. We birthed it together. >> Yeah. >> I was just imagining you giving birth.
[23:57] >> Awkward. >> Anyway, so we’ve created this beautiful offering called the aquinonous man. And we have another call this evening, 5:30, and it’s open. We also will have more calls in the future on different dates. And it’s an ongoing weekly call on Zoom that we’ve created
[24:18] to build a deep sense of intimacy and trust and love amongst a group of men to help you to create a better life for yourself, >> to be more free and have better relationships, and just like overall be a more amazing man and human in the world. And we’re growing alongside these
[24:36] groups, which is fun to be to be in the circle, >> not above it. >> Exactly. >> That’s how we we lead those circles. >> Yeah. Very much within. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. So, you’re invited. Please uh
[24:49] reach out if you’d like to join or if you know a man who would like to join. >> So, yeah. Thank you again and we’ll see you all next week. >> Thank you.