Some years ago I was “stuck” in an abusive and toxic relationship…
I say “stuck” because there were many times when I felt like I could NOT leave…
It was kind of like there was a glue keeping us together. Even though all common sense and emotional intelligence demanded I leave!
It wasn’t until I started to pull away and set boundaries, that clarity really dawned on me.
It was like kicking a hornet’s nest…
Needless to say, I had to cut all communications and go my own way.
It was pretty ugly…
That being said, even after all numbers, social media accounts etc. were blocked… I still felt off.
Something wasn’t right
I felt like I had lost myself in that relationship. And I still wasn’t “back” yet…
Luckily an elder and healer was in my life, and she helped me pick up the pieces.
Shortly after all this occurred, she led me through a simple and profound ceremony.
It was a “cord cutting” ceremony… And it helped me to cut any and all cords with my past partner.
This ceremony also helped me to reclaim my essence and the parts of myself that had been lost.
We also returned all my ex-partner’s energy and essence to her. (with love, compassion and forgiveness of course)…
The change was instantaneous.
The best way to describe it, is that for the first time in several years, I felt like “myself” again.
I felt lighter and clearer. And ready to move forward with my life…
I felt confident and capable to do the personal work needed to put my life back together.
Cord cutting is a simple ceremony. It helps us to reclaim our sovereignty and restore balance to our relationships.
It can be done in current relationships to cut co-dependent habits and patterns…
and it can be done with past relationships, to do some “house cleaning”.
It is not to “cut” that person out of our life… (Unless it is an abusive or toxic relationship)
This ceremony is actually meant to be grounded in Love, Compassion and Forgiveness.
What Exactly is a Cord…?
We all have “cords” that connect us to other human beings.
More often than not, these cords are metaphysical manifestations of codependent relationship dynamics.
Ok, that was a mouthful…
Basically this is what happens when we get into a codependent relationship with another human being… We Begin feel on some level that we “NEED” them…
This is inherently limiting and risky. Once we “need” someone, we become easily manipulatable, and manipulative.
Now the relationship has become based upon our animalistic instincts for survival…
These instincts register the experience of “needing” as life or death.
This becomes a “need” for pleasure, connection, intimacy, approval, validation, money… The list goes on – “insert any relationship ‘perk’ “
there is now part of our system that registers the “need” for this relationship as a life or death situation.
This “need” creates an energetic cord. They bind us up, and influence our free will towards negative choices and habits.
Put another way, these cords can unknowingly feed our animal nature. This tends to enhance toxic, narcissistic and selfish tendencies. They can also weaken our boundaries and our ability to say “no”.
They bind us to the other person, and that person to us. Which means, even if we walk away or take space, there is still an energetic exchange happening.
These can manifest in a variety of ways…
Signs of an Unhealthy “cord” or attachment:
- Repetitive / intrusive thoughts about the person
- A yearning
- Feeling like you’re “off” or “not ok” without them
- Feels like you “lost” some of yourself
- Unable to move on from a relationship, even after months or years
- Old patterns from relationships continue to manifest
and many other confusing thoughts & feelings…
All these “symptoms” are forms of “energy vampirism”.
What is an Energy Vampire…?
Energy vampire is quite a harsh term… And it sounds extreme.
The reason I use it is because it’s become a common term that many people are familiar with. It is also quite unattractive. Which helps motivate us to free oneself from these dynamics!
Basically, an energy vampire is when a person draws energy from another person.
As my elder loves to say, “98.3% of people” have participated in these types of relationships.
Another way to put it:
Anyone in a codependent or toxic relationship, has participated in energy vampirism. Both as a “victim” and as the “vampire”.
It’s a two way street… You generally can’t have one without the other.
When you’re daydreaming about that person, or when you’re upset with them you’re sending them your energy…
And the same the other way around.
It becomes like a subtle addiction. People feed each other their energy, and it strengthens their “need” for each other.
It just so happens that “needing” someone else can feel really good. It’s part of our animal “programming”.
It was a mechanism that helped us to survive. Now, it is holding us back…
We Feed Off Each Other Via Cords…
Think of these energetic cords, like an umbilical cord.
We feed each other through them…
We offer our thoughts, feelings, and desires, which is a powerful form of energy. Even when they are negative, they are still made of “raw” energy, which can be addicting.
Sometimes cords will also be expressed as “ropes”, “chains”, or other forms of “bindings”. These cords still exchange energy. In essence a cord is designed to “bind” people together, to ensure we can’t “move on” without that other person.
It’s like an energetic contract. This is one reason it can be hard for some people to move on after certain relationships end.
Do All Relationships Have Cords…?
I understand this likely sounds very negative… And like it may be better to disappear from society and become a hermit.
I mean… If this is what human relationships are really about, then why bother with them at all…?
Luckily… It is possible to have healthy relationships relatively free from these cords.
This article is to highlight the benefits of doing a cord cutting ceremony… And so we need to focus on “why” someone would need to do this.
The why is generally negative.
Sadly, there are few templates for healthy relationships in our modern world…
So they are hard to come by.
That being said, truly fulfilling and life-giving relationships do exist. They are noursed and rooted in love, compassion, joy, service, trust, and good will.
Another way to put it, is that a “cordless” relationship is built upon unconditional love. This dictates that we are free from emotional attachments to the other person.
Rather than an energetic cord keeping two people together they are united by love.
We cultivate relationships from a higher and more heartfelt purpose.
When relationships are built on this foundation… any and all cords are far less “severe”. Meaning, they would easily be seen, tracked and removed with love, and with few “repercussions”…
What Happens When You Do A “Cord Cutting” With Someone…?
This is relative to the relationship. Most people come to me for cord cuttings because they are in the process of getting over an intimate relationship. That’s the context I’ll share about here.
That being said, many people do cord cuttings within a marriage or partnership. They also may do this with co-workers, bosses, parents, siblings and other close friends or family. Cord cutting does not mean “cutting out” that person from your life. It can be to “cut out” that codependent or toxic pattern within a relationship.
In the context of breakups…
I have worked with people who have broken up with someone years ago and still have not been able to move on.
I have worked with others who are fresh out of a break up… Or are working to transition out of a toxic relationship.
When this is the case, there are often profound shifts that happen immediately.
For example, when I did this ceremony I still had many entanglements with my partner.
She owed me over $10,000 and had some of my belongings. We also shared many close friends.
It was messy…
After the cord cutting, I was able to fully disengage from the toxic patterns. When I had to communicate with her, I could do it without emotional attachments. I was unaffected by her…
I also was able to let go.
I let go of the money and the physical things, and I stopped involving my friends in the drama.
I just kind of “dumped” it all… And I began to move on.
It was awesome!
I have seen examples like this time and time again. This stuff really works!!
After a cord cutting, people often experience:
- Clarity. This is the BIG one. Everything about the relationship and what does not (or did not) work becomes very clear.
- Freedom. There is a lightness. A feeling of being “free” from the relationship.
- Coming Back to Oneself. This is a lovely side effect of cutting cords. Often you will reclaim parts of yourself, and you will finally feel “like yourself” again. It is easy to “lose” yourself in a relationship, and this helps bring balance into your life.
- A “Detox” Effect. This is a combination of clearing away the other person’s energy, our own energy, as well as the codependent patterning from our system. The cord cutting also tends to “stir up” energy in our system, which can feel uncomfortable for a short period of time.
- Behavioral changes. In extreme cases, we can actually experience shifts in our behavior. This is especially true when we are stuck in a toxic dynamic that we can’t seem to “get out of”.
Warning: Your Ex May Try to Come Back…
Here’s the crazy thing though…
After cutting cords, it is very important to not have any contact! For at least 4 days…
Often, when we cut cords, the person will actually reach out and try to contact us.
Sometimes they will be sweet and seductive, trying to “rope us back in”. (Remember, this cord is a source of energy for them…)
Other times, they may try to speak down to us, or abuse us, to hook us back into the toxic dynamic…
It’s important to remain vigilant and not recreate the cord.
It’s Not All Doom and Gloom… As long as we take responsibility.
In order to speak about cords, it is important to outline the necessity for this ceremony. This inevitably highlights some fairly dark relationship dynamics.
In reality, this ceremony is an amazing opportunity to heal. We are given space to resolve deeply held beliefs, emotions, pain and trauma from our system.
This work is not about finger pointing, or blaming someone else for our problems and cords.
Being in toxic and abusive dynamics are challenging. That being said, it is crucial that we take responsibility for our part of it.
This is a touchy subject.
When I was leaving a toxic and emotionally abusive relationship, I had to really sit with myself and ask:
“why did this happen to me… How and why was I attracted to this relationship…?”
It was humbling. And it was not easy to see my part in it.
With time, I realized that I had very poor boundaries. I was basically unable to say the word “no”.
I also realized that in not being able to say no, I was unable to truly stand up for myself. So, I was an easy target for abusive behavior.
A simple way to put… I lacked Self Respect.
I was willing to bend over backwards, and submit to someone else, because I was afraid to be alone. I put others before myself, because in truth, I actually did not know what I wanted. So it was far easier to put others first.
This was the perfect “magnet” for an abusive relationship.
So after the cord cutting, I went deep into self reflection and began my healing process.
This ensured that over the long term, I did not need to experience these same types of relationships.
I won’t lie to you, it took time and a lot of hard work. It is not easy to rewrite a lifelong way of being.
It was SO worthwhile though!
What To Expect From a Cord Cutting Ceremony… Can I do it alone…?
Many people ask me if they can do cord cutting alone. The short answer is… It depends.
Once you have experienced and been taught the basic ceremony, you can totally do it alone!
That being said, if the relationship is especially “sticky”, it can be hard to track all the cords. When we’re stuck in these toxic relationships, there are actually parts of our system that enjoy them.
For example, many of these relationships have very charged sexual energy. Someone’s heart may want freedom from the pain. Yet their sexual centers may NOT want to be free of this relationship at all. Mainly because it feels so good.
But remember, just because it feels good, does not mean that it is good for you. Do you know what feels really good…? Drugs. That doesn’t mean they are good, though!
Due to this inherent bias, we may clear some of the cords, but not all them.
In these cases, even if you know the ceremony, it may be best to have a facilitator support you.
If you have never experienced this ceremony before, my approach is quite simple.
There is a period of conversation before and afterwards, to help set the space, and also integrate. During the ceremony itself, we go into a “journey”, or an altered state of consciousness. We do this through a guided meditation.
We then invoke your spirit guides, and the higher self of the person you’re cutting cords with.
There are then some specific steps we take to identify, clear and release the cords.
Often, deeper healing is needed to clear the cords. In this case, we do some intuitive energy healing to help free up any blockages.
That’s it… Very simple!
And it works.
If you’re interested in booking in for an energy healing, or a cord cutting ceremony…
